eringoodman.blogspot.com

I've moved!

2008-08-23T18:33:00.003-04:00

kidoinfo.com

2008-08-21T19:40:00.002-04:00

New column is up on kidoinfo.com!

And here's a sneak peek of my new blog. Still a few details to work out. I'll keep posting here until everything is all set and will post a note when I make the move!

feeling groovy: the power of attraction

2008-08-20T07:12:00.006-04:00

I'm a big fan of Scott Noelle and have been subscribing to his "Daily Groove" for almost two years now.

I love starting my day with an inspiring e-mail and focus point to help me relate to my children in a positive, respectful and really groovy way.

Here's today's groove:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: The Power of Attraction ::

Attraction means pulling instead of pushing. The
"pull" of attraction is not physical. You attract by
focusing your mind. Your thoughts have a sort of
"gravity" that pulls matching thoughts, conditions and
events into your awareness and experience.

Today, try this experiment...

Think of *one* characteristic that you really, really
adore and appreciate about your child. Something that
makes you smile when you think about it. Pick a
keyword or phrase to remind you of this trait, and
write it on the back of your hand. (If your child can
read, use a code word or symbol instead.)

The idea is to focus on this aspect of your child as
many times as you can today. But don't tell your child
specifically what you're doing -- the power is in what
you think, not what you say.

You might also put little reminder Post-it notes in
places like door handles, telephones, the fridge, your
car visor -- wherever you frequently look or reach.

After a full day of focusing on this aspect of your
child, review the day and note how it affected your
interactions.

Can you see how, through your intentional focus, you
*created* (attracted) that experience?

See the results of one reader's experiment:
http://dailygroove.net/power-of-attraction#comment-177

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

Today Lily will be at summer camp again (four whole days this week--she could not be happier!) so Quinn and I will be having another special Mama-Quinn day.

Yesterday we cleaned out the van (getting ready for our upcoming road trip :-) and enjoyed a nice lunch date at Panera Bread.

It was such a treat to just relax and be with Quinn all day. We didn't really have any place that we needed to be and I was content to just sit and watch him run around the same tree a dozen times and even felt inspired to join in!

Today, we do have a few errands that I would like to run (paperwork for my new job that is due today, an oil change and new tires for the freshly-cleaned van). There will still be plenty of time to run around trees (and lamp-posts and fire hydrants) and to marvel at the amazing-ness of motorcycles and construction sites and garbage trucks. But there is also a loose agenda of items that I would like to accomplish.

So today, keeping this daily groove in mind, while we're running our errands, I would like to focus on how joyful and expressive and fun two-year-olds, and especially my beloved Quinn, can be!

(I know I was supposed to only pick one trait, but as I closed my eyes and thought about what I wanted to focus on about Quinn, those three things all popped in together!)

And on that note, I hear pitter-patter feet upstairs...my joyful, expressive, fun little guy is awake!!

lily explores the lily pads...

2008-08-16T15:29:00.002-04:00

Our fast-growing friends!

2008-08-16T14:45:00.004-04:00

Our visitors have grown exponentially in the last few days. Today I moved them over to a new branch of milkweed (though they seemed to be doing just find on the week-old one). While I was transferring our four caterpillars, I discovered another brand-new one (so small you can't even see its stripes yet) so we now have five friends to observe in the coming weeks!

Up 'til now, I have been, by far, the most interested in the current happenings in the Critter Corner (with John being a close second) but now that the caterpillars are big enough to hold (briefly and gently), Lily has taken much more interest!

Crunching Caterpillars!

2008-08-12T23:45:00.002-04:00

While we were sleeping last night, our caterpillar friends were busy doing what they do best -- eating lots of Milkweed!

Here's a picture of the largest caterpillar with evidence of its nocturnal nibbling.

Monarchs!!

2008-08-11T18:33:00.011-04:00

Our daily milkweed inspections have paid off! We have FOUR tiny Monarch caterpillars and several leaves with eggs!

Egg on the underside of a milkweed leaf (yellow dot in the center of the photo):

Tiny caterpillar on the top side of a milkweed leaf:

A temporary home for the caterpillars (a glass jar with a screen top):

And here's the new home I made tonight after John took the kids up to bed:

The supplies I used were: a yard-and-a-half of tulle, a 12" wooden embroidery hoop, and some ribbon (which was my biggest expense and totally not necessary--string would have worked fine--but the rainbow ribbon was soooo pretty! ;-) Total cost: $6.72.

I taped one edge of the tulle to the inside hoop and then wrapped around the rest of the hoop. I put the top hoop on to hold it in place and then loosened it just enough to slip the ribbon in, which I secured with a knot. No sewing involved (not that I have anything against sewing but just wanted to share how quick and EASY it was to make!). Oh and I used a playsilk that we already had to cover the top.

Easy-peasy! And now I'm off to check out monarchwatch.org to learn more about our visitors...

transitions

2008-08-09T20:46:00.022-04:00

There's been a little hint of fall in the air this week. On our early morning walks, Quinn and I have opted for long pants and sweatshirts and I even dug some socks out of the drawer on a particularly cool morning this week.

The kids have noticed the change in light and (mercifully) have started sleeping a little later in the morning. They are also heading up to bed a little earlier in the evening.

And as of this week, they have started asking us to leave their room at bedtime so they can play quietly together. Lily has gathered a collection of board books (favorites that we have been enjoying together since she was an infant like Brown Bear, Each Peach Pear Plum, and Jamberry) and is now proudly "reading" them to her brother.

While on a morning walk this week, I noticed a seed pod on a milkweed plant. (We're checking the undersides of leaves daily in hopes of finding Monarch eggs.)

Part of me felt a bit of sadness. The seasons often feel very much like my experience of parenting -- just when I start to feel comfortable and find a rhythm that works where we are, things begin to shift.

But the milkweed pod also reminds me of the wonder and beauty that each season brings.

In just a few weeks, Lily will be returning to her beloved Waldorf-inspired nursery school, where stalks of milkweed will be used as beautiful wands to spray feathery seeds around the gardens.

And later in the fall, the dried milkweed pods will be become boats into which the children will place candles and wishes during the annual Lantern Walk (a magical evening designed to gently introduce the young children to darkness and night).

This fall will also include a transition into "playschool" (a.k.a. daycare) two days a week and a return to work for me.

The kids and I stopped by our "new school" this week to drop off paperwork and say hello. As I sat in a tiny chair at a tiny table getting to know the center's director, Lily and Quinn explored what will be Lily's classroom. Quinn dove right in (any place with a train table, Legos, blocks, and an assortment of construction vehicles has his clear approval). Lily hung back, staying close to me and taking it all in, but later noted that "it seems pretty fun there."

When we left the center, which we will visit several more times in the coming weeks, we stopped to visit a nearby farm. As we visited with the sheep, goats and pigs we talked about how much fun it will be to visit the farm on our way to or from playschool and how some days we might go early and stop for bagels at our favorite coffee shop.

We continue to read books about the first day of school and separation anxiety, and reminisce about last summer when Lily felt sick to her tummy every time we talked about her starting nursery school.

"That was before I knew how much fun school is, Mama," Lily always adds.

And I remind her (and myself) that change can often feel scary and uncomfortable--whether you are two, or four, or 34. But discomfort is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a great opportunity for us to slow down and tune in and stretch a little bit out of our comfort zone.

And a wonderful opportunity to surrender and trust that the Life Force that creates and sustains the milkweed plants, and the butterflies who feast on them, is always there to nourish and support us.

get your ducks in a row...

2008-08-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

transitions

2008-08-06T21:55:00.005-04:00

I am counting down to September when my kids will start attending a daycare center two full days a week (and my four year old will also go to the most wonderful Waldorf-inspired Nursery School you could ever imagine an additional two mornings).

And I will have two full days open to do my work (writing, teaching, researching, designing workshops, and wherever else "following my bliss" takes me).

I have worked through a dozen permutations of work/school/daycare options and this is what feels best for us right now.

I have been processing this decision since my daughter was about 12-14 months old and I started getting urges to find substitute care so that I could focus on my work.

Right about that time I became pregnant with my son (it took us almost a year to get pregnant with our first so we decided to start trying sooner rather than later. Surprisingly! Things happened quite a bit sooner this time around and we were on our way to becoming a family of four!!)

So I put the work plans on hold and I joyfully dove back into everything pregnancy/birth/baby.

I continued to write freelance for a local parenting magazine and teach prenatal and two other yoga classes, and played "pass the toddler" with my husband and parents.

It was extremely stressful, to put it mildly.

I felt like I was unraveling at the seams...packing my daughter in the car, racing to my mom's to drop her off, zooming down to the yoga studio, out of breath and out of energy, to stand in front of a class and tell people to "just relax and breathe."

So about half-way through my second pregnancy, I gave up all but my prenatal class. And as soon as Quinn was born, I gave that up too.

I kept writing as much as I could, which wasn't much. One article a month--750 words--was all that I could handle. And some months I couldn't even handle that. There were a few months that I just had to apologize to my editor and say, "Sorry but it just isn't going to happen this month."

And things kind of worked pretty well for a while with my older in nursery school two mornings and my younger at a wonderful home daycare three mornings. (I traded childcare with a friend so every-other-Monday, while my younger was daycare, my older went to her house for a playdate, and I got some extra writing time.)

But in the last few months it's become really clear to me that two hour blocks here and there are just not enough.

I need and want more time to work.

Morning Glory!

2008-07-31T21:21:00.026-04:00

My son Quinn has always been an early riser but this summer he's taken it to a new level -- up for the day by 5 a.m.

For the past several weeks I have been starting my days being angry at him and anyone else who happened to cross my path because I just don't want to be on toddler duty at 5 a.m.

It's not even that I want to sleep in. It's just that I like to start my day slowly and quietly -- two concepts that my two-year-old just doesn't seem to get!

In my perfect world I would wake up between five and six and slip downstairs alone for a walk or some yoga, followed by a cup of tea and time to write in my journal. Then I would get breakfast ready for my loving children who would wander downstairs (fully dressed and in pleasant moods!) around 7:30.

And I have a feeling we'll get there someday! (If Quinn follows in his sleepy-head sister's footsteps.)

But in the meantime Quinn has been wide awake and clambering into our bed at 5 a.m. for several weeks now and I have been growing increasingly more annoyed -- at him for being awake so early, and at John for somehow managing to sleep through the onslaught of exuberance.

Over the weekend I decided that I've had enough.

I don't like waking up angry. I don't like resenting my beautiful son. And I really, really need to figure out a way to have my smooth, peaceful morning that I desire so I'm not walking around in an angry, foggy haze all morning.

So I decided that no matter what the time or how I am awoken, I am going to choose to wake up in a pleasant mood, filled with gratitude and excitement for the coming day.

On Monday morning when not just Quinn -- but also Lily, who was SO excited for her first day of camp that she just couldn't sleep! -- arrived bedside at 4:45, I offered to take them on an "animal walk" (a walk in the double stroller to look for dawn-loving critters).

With a couple of pieces of toast to munch on, full sippy cups and a camera, we set off!

The only critters we saw were birds, but that was enough to entertain the kids and give me some time to mentally run through the coming day.

Since then Quinn and I have taken two more early morning walks and I'm not sure who is enjoying it more!

Here are some photos from our recent adventures...

We came up over the hill this morning and our neighbor's horses were at the fence waiting to greet us!

Then two swans entertained us.

"The waterfall is amazing, Mama. Waterfall makes Kin (Quinn) feel happy!"

Thank you Quinn, for inspiring your Mama to stretch out of her comfort zone. I love this special time that we've created together!

queen anne's lace...

2008-07-27T17:52:00.002-04:00

clearing off the china cabinet

2008-07-27T08:51:00.020-04:00

When John and I got married (eight years ago this month) we decided to use much of the money we received as gifts from family and friends towards the purchase of a few pieces of furniture.

My parents bought us a beautiful sleigh bed (which is being stored in the barn while we are in family-bed-on-the-floor stage) and we picked out a dining room table and a matching china cabinet.

We opted not to register for china, but instead chose to register at our favorite pottery studio and I remember what a wonderful time I had arranging our beautiful plates and bowls in the cabinet.

Over the years, the china cabinet has become the catch all for everything that doesn't have a home. It's also where I have started creating my home apothecary of homeopathic remedies, flower essences, essential oils, medicinal herbs etc.

The lower cabinets have become home to our "quiet closet," filled with board games and puzzles; our first aid kit (bandaids and Rescue Cream, which the kids help themselves to any time they need them); and our cold care kit (duck shaped hot water bottle, saline spray, soft cotton cloths, an otoscope and a few other odds and ends I'm forgetting).

The shelf, which I once visualized as a beautiful family alter space, is usually loaded up with Lily's artwork that I don't want to lose but don't know where/how to store, notecards and my address book for (attempting to keep up with) writing thank you notes, my kids baby books and birthday books, and other various creative projects that I hope "someday" to get to.

Oh and it's also the place where I tuck photographs that I love of our family so I can see them (when they are not lying on the floor getting stepped on after sliding out of the wooden rungs).

I should also mention that our china cabinet, and our kitchen table, are both prominent features of our living room, which truly is the room we "live" in. The room you walk into when you open our front door. The room where we spend the majority of our time.

I have slowly been working my way through the house, cleaning and decluttering as I go, and last night I decided it was time to clear away the clutter that has been masking our beautiful china cabinet!

before...

the table during (aka why i don't do decluttering projects when my kids are awake)...

after...

homes still needed for these items...

aaahhh....

Just in case...

2008-07-26T19:53:00.006-04:00

...anyone is wondering what I've been up to (other than not keeping up with my blogs).

I've been decluttering and organizing and making space to create my home office and freecycling...and visiting childcare centers and looking up books for kids about starting "playschool."

And while I'm doing this, I'm continuing to process my feelings about my decision to return to work part-time in September.

I wrote this piece last week, which I've submitted for publication (fingers crossed!!).

Standing on the beach alone, listening to the gentle crash of the waves, my mind drifts through the last several months and the interesting ways the Universe has gently, and not-so-gently, nudged me towards my decision to return to work. A decision that was far from easy for me.

I have been trying for four years to love being home with my kids. I really have been trying. And there is a lot about it that I do love and very much appreciate. And I am so grateful for the many special times that I have shared with my children.

But the truth is that I just don't love it. Not full-time.

And the more time I spend doing something that I really just don't love doing, the more impatient, and angry, and snappy I get with my children and the more depressed and resentful I feel.

And being an impatient, angry, resentful mother is really not the mother, or the person, I want to be.

I know I want to make some changes in my life so that I can be the loving, present, connected mother that I’ve always dreamed of being.

But then I think if I just try a little bit harder, or really not even try, but just relax and be present and appreciate the beauty and just stop yelling and getting angry, maybe I can start to love it more.

But I just don’t love it. Not full-time.

I enjoy and appreciate and savor my time with my children so much more when I spend less time being their primary caregiver.

And I'm really excited now that I am finally giving myself permission to feel this, and say this, and imagine my life changing, so that I am spending more time doing things that I do love to do. Which I have shown over and over to myself, help me to savor and enjoy the time I do spend with my children.

And yet it is still so hard.

Admitting, to myself, and others, that I don’t love being a full-time caregiver to my children feels scary.

I'm afraid that what people will hear when I say that, is that I don’t love my children.

And I really, really do love my children. I love them more than words can express. And it is for them, as well as for me, that I am making this change in my life.

I have a quote hanging over my kitchen sink that says:

My greatest gift to give is my happiness.

And I really believe this in my heart.

So it is for myself, and my wonderful husband, and most importantly, my beautiful children, that I am giving myself the gift of time and space to pursue a career that makes my heart sing and that allows me to be the fullest expression of who I am.

I know that doing what I love makes it so much easier to be more present and connected to the people I love, most especially my children.

And being the fullest expression of who I am, invites them to be the fullest expressions of who they are, which is exactly the kind of mother, and person, I want to be.

kidoinfo.com

2008-07-15T12:23:00.002-04:00

New column is up at kidoinfo.com!

The Rainy Day Closet

2008-07-14T12:46:00.019-04:00

Somewhere in the last four years (it's really all very much a blur) I discovered Sarah Ban Breathnach's delightful book, Mrs. Sharp's Traditions, which gives readers a peek into the world of Victorian house-holding, holidays and family traditions.

Among the many helpful and creative suggestions for enjoying family life is the "rainy day closet" -- a collection of books, toys, art supplies etc. that are ONLY enjoyed on rainy days.

While reading the book, I noted which closet I would use to create our own rainy day closet, and began collecting various items to tuck inside, with the hopes of someday organizing them into a fun collection.

But major organizational projects, especially ones that involve toys, are not exactly toddler-friendly activities, and once kids are sleeping, I usually have little energy, and even less creativity to tackle a project like this.

So this morning, while my kids were at my parents, before I even looked at my to-do list, I decided today is that "someday"!!

Here's the closet before:

And after:

Here are some of the things I've included...

Mama's Mystery Box: Various odds and ends, little battery-operated toys, bubble wrap, an inflatable beach ball etc.

Art Supplies: Pipe cleaners, pom-poms, googly eyes, stick-on foam pieces, and Color Wonder-type painting kits (the mystery chemicals involved in this "mess free" painting scare me a bit for regular use, but occasionally on a rainy day, they are a lot of fun).

Sewing & Lacing: Wooden beads, animal shaped lacing cards etc.

Rainy Day Books and Friends: A small, but growing, collection of books about rainy days and stuffed friends and puppets to enjoy them with!

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head: Lots of open-ended, creative fun, but the tiny plastic pieces are more than I can handle on a daily basis, which makes the Potatoes perfect for a rainy day!

Farm Friends: A Leap Pad refrigerator toy. Requires batteries, sings two songs over-and-over and has little pieces that spend more time on the floor than on the fridge -- a shoe-in for the Rainy Day Closet.

Elmo: A hand-me-down giggling, plastic Elmo that I almost culled before my children saw it. I'm glad I didn't. He's PERFECT for a rainy day!

And lastly, Harvey the Bunny - our Rainy Day mascot who plays "Singing in the Rain" and dances. Harvey (no idea how we came up with that name) was a $2 consignment store score!

Yay! I don't think I've ever looked forward to rainy days as much as I am now!

frolicking at the farmer's market...

2008-07-12T19:28:00.003-04:00

upcoming event...

2008-07-07T09:48:00.003-04:00

It Really Does Take a Village
Presented by Erin Barrette Goodman

Sunday, August 17, 10 a.m.
Unitarian Universalist Congregation of South County
American Legion Post 39, 1958 Kingstown Road, South Kingstown

Most people have heard the African proverb "It takes the whole village to raise a child" but as many new parents soon discover, it can be very challenging in our modern society to find a friend or two – never mind a whole village! Join Erin Barrette Goodman, writer, teacher, founder of the Rhode Island Birth Network, and mother of two, as she introduces her village through photos and stories, and shares how she came to find (and create!) a beloved circle of kindred spirits.

Childcare will be available.

TGIF!

2008-06-27T21:15:00.020-04:00

It's been quite a wild week around here. There's not any one challenge that stands out but it was more of a "perfect storm" of (seemingly) random frustrating events sprinkled amidst lots and lots of rain that made this week a particularly challenging one. As I attempted to write at least one positive thought in my journal this morning, the only thing that felt genuine was TGIF - Thank goodness it's Friday!

I'm (still) struggling to find time/space to do my work but I'm really too tired to get into the details of it, and I have to think that it's getting pretty boring to anyone who might be reading to hear me continually drone on about my challenges as an aspiring writer/workshop leader/yoga teacher trying to find her way as a stay-at-home-mom.

So instead, I think I'll note a few of the highlights of my day (and maybe that will help to give me a more positive perspective on the rest of the week).

John came home early today so I got to go for a run by myself (no double stroller to push so I could actually swing both of my arms at the same time, no stopping to pick up dropped sippy cups or to mitigate disputes) -- it was heavenly!

On the way home, as I was walking too cool down (not because I was exhausted and out of breath ;-), I noticed something wonderful growing along our street -- milkweed!! (The picture is not mine because I was running and didn't have my camera. It's one I found on the web, which looks just like what I saw!)

I've been very much wanting to attract more butterflies to our yard, and to hopefully find some Monarch eggs that we could hatch out in our critter corner, but planting a butterfly garden is one of the many fun projects that I just never can seem to get to.

I learned from Lily's amazing preschool teacher that Monarch eggs can often be found on milkweed plants in August so now I'm totally excited to check these newly-discovered plants for eggs later in the summer!

Another wonderful thing that happened later today is that on our way home from dinner at my parents' house we saw fireflies!!

It was close to nine o'clock (I had stayed there as late as possible trying to ensure "sleepage" on the way home) but the sky, just a week after Solstice, was still so bright. My kids kept asking if we could watch Max and Ruby when we got home (which comes on at six) and if it was getting close to evening or still afternoon. They were jabbering on (and on...and on) and I was starting to feel myself sliding into scary-mama-mode.

I quickly reached into my imaginary tool box and grabbed on of my favorite yoga chants, a Bija (seed) Mantra.

Lam - Vam - Ram - Yam - Haum - Aum

It is a chant that I often led in both my prenatal and mommy and baby yoga classes that brought much comfort to everyone in the room and that almost-instantly brings me into a more calm place.

As I was humming and settling my own energy, the kids began to breathe more deeply and speak more slowly and softly.

For a while the car was quiet except for my humming and then Lily spotted a sparkle.

"Mama! I think I just saw a firefly in the woods!

"Slow down Mama. This is the perfect time to see animals that come out of the woods to eat in the evening. Wouldn't it be great if we saw a deer and fireflies in the same night, Mama!"

For the rest of the ride home, as I alternated between my chant and silently enjoying the drive, they giggled and rejoiced at the show of lights along the roadside.

At some point Lily nodded off. Quinn was quiet but still awake when we got home. As John carried a sleeping Lily into the house, Quinn and I stood on the deck and watched the fireflies dancing in the garden.

As I stood there snuggling my beautiful sleepy boy I took a deep breath. TGFF - Thank goodness for fireflies!

Hello Beluga...

2008-06-24T14:50:00.001-04:00

More excitement in the critter corner!

2008-06-19T10:02:00.006-04:00

It's Thursday, which for the summer months is our one daycare morning. Generally speaking, that means I'm usually doing some form of "work" today -- writing, answering e-mails, planning birth network events, making phone calls etc.

But today is also Lily's fourth birthday so I'm doing a quick power cleaning (things have gotten seriously out of control recently) of the house before setting up some streamers and balloons (which I totally forgot that I still have to get).

As I was sorting through the coats that have overtaken the kids' hooks, I noticed that the critter tank is looking a little dry.

And then I also noticed something else -- eggs of some sort under the soil, right up against the glass!

I'm not sure what kind of eggs they are - snail? toad? (Do toads even lay eggs? Oh, I have SO much to learn!) Or maybe something else that we didn't even know was in our tank?

I think it's so interesting that most of my amazing critter corner moments happen when I am alone. It really is becoming more and more clear to me that much of the "fun stuff" I do now that I am a parent, I could have been doing all along!

My kids are only mildly interested in what is happening in the tank (not that I blame them -- snails are pretty slow moving and the toad has not been seen since the night it surprised me).

And yet it is my children who inspire me, and gently remind me, to slow down and dig in the Earth and study snails and talk to Fairies.

And it is my children who inspire me to savor the special joy of birthdays with favorite dinners and streamers and balloons and cake and funny stories from the last year.

And so, at least for today, cleaning up the house and getting ready for tonight's (quiet family) celebration is my "work", which I will do with great joy!

And I'll be sure to stop and peek in the critter tank every chance I get!

(My "point & shoot" camera was rather confused by my attempts to photograph the eggs through a dirty glass tank but I think I managed to get a half-way decent shot. Click on the photo to enlarge.)

Happy (almost) Father's Day, Papa!

2008-06-13T21:08:00.011-04:00

I spent some time out in the garden tonight while John was putting the kids to bed. He's put them to bed almost every night this week and I am SO grateful for this gift he is giving both me and them.

The gift to me is time alone to write, garden, read, dream, shower -- whatever I am most needing.

The gift to our children is that this increase in creative time/space is helping me to feel less scattered and less distracted and less restless and a little more excited and present and patient and go with the flow-ish during the (sometimes really long) days when I am home with them.

That's not to say I don't still have moments where I just want to scream or run away (or both) but that feels normal and healthy as the mother of two young children.

What it thankfully, does NOT feel like is hours that turned into days that turned into weeks of feeling really sad and frustrated and stuck and not knowing how to un-stick myself, that I felt all too often as a new mother.

I am so grateful for all the ways that I have grown as a person and mother in the last several years and that my husband has encouraged me and supported me and made space for this growth.

And I'm incredibly grateful that he and our children have developed special evening and weekend routines -- like basketball on the front porch and trains in their room and Papa's pancakes and visiting the children's museum -- that are all their own!

A new friend in the Critter Corner!

2008-06-11T18:55:00.005-04:00

After the brief excitement of watching the snail eat (lick) breakfast, things were pretty quiet in the Critter Corner yesterday.

It was hot. Really hot. And the snail didn't seem to be any more interested in moving than any of us were.

Then late last night, long after I should have collapsed in bed, I opened the tank to share some fresh chard and spinach with the snail and was totally surprised to find a little TOAD in the tank!

I later learned that it was put in there by John over the weekend. He said he kind of forgot about it and then he wasn't sure if it was still there since he hadn't seen it in a couple of days!

It was really fun to have it be a mystery for a while though. I am usually the one behind the scenes creating the magic for the kids (bringing interesting bits of nature into the house, leaving small gifts from the fairies for them to find in the morning etc.). It was so nice to be on the receiving end of some of nature's magic, even for a short time!

I've yet to get a picture of the new visitor, because I've yet to see it again. I did, however, consult our Pets in a Jar book and learned a bunch of cool stuff about toads.

~ Toads are really good to have in your garden because they eat lots of insects that would otherwise eat our plants.
~ They are active in the evening.
~ Despite popular folklore, you cannot get warts from touching a toad.
~ They like to hide out in the garden and broken flower pots turned upside down make great toad houses.
~ Toads like to eat live insects, earthworms and slugs but can also be trained to eat dog food off a moving string.

Sounds kind of cool but I really don't have the energy to care for anyone or anything else right now so once we have some new toad houses set out, and if I can find it again, I'll move our friend out to the garden!

Bring on the summer smoothies!

2008-06-10T22:27:00.005-04:00

I made smoothies for the kids at lunchtime today and they drank them and loved them, and thanked me for making them!

I've been hoping to introduce smoothies to our breakfast repertoire for a while now but just somehow haven't gotten to it until today.

I've read that it's a great way to get healthy stuff into growing bodies and kids think they are a great treat. (There are various smoothies at the grocery store but generally I've found them to be low in nutrients and high in sugar.)

We did love the Stonyfield Farm organic strawberry yogurt smoothies for a while. When Quinn started part-time daycare last fall we sent him with "milky", which was half strawberry smoothie and half fresh, raw milk. (Then somewhere along the line, he got a taste for orange juice, so now we send him with "juicy", which is half orange juice and half water.)

Today's smoothie was...

Organic Stonyfield Farm Vanilla Yogurt
One frozen banana
A little bit of coconut oil (which was liquid because it was so hot out today)

Tomorrow I'm going to try...

Vanilla yogurt
Fresh strawberries that we picked today!
Coconut oil

...for the kids. And the same, with some fresh chard leaves, for me.

I plan to slowly add veggies and other goodies in to the kids' smoothies, but I'm going to start by slowly experimenting with my own!

kidoinfo.com

2008-06-10T20:22:00.001-04:00

New column is up on kidoinfo.com!
:-)

Where are you, snail?

2008-06-09T09:08:00.009-04:00

After spending Saturday afternoon creating a nice "cozy" space for our garden snail, we woke Sunday eager to observe our new friend -- only to find that that it was missing!

I was pretty sure that it hadn't left its home since we have a nice wire screen on the top of the tank, but I was very puzzled by the fact that we could not see it anywhere.

Quinn was sure that the "snail napping", which he announced every time he looked in the tank, and Lily was pretty sure that the snail was exploring underground.

I, however remained thoroughly puzzled, and a little disappointed by this turn of events.

So you can imagine my excitement when I woke up early this morning (LOVE it when I manage to wake up before everyone else and can enjoy a little quiet time before the day begins) and found our snail stuck to the side of the tank!

As I was cleaning up from the weekend's adventures, and trying to come up with a plan for today's heat (90+ degrees), I kept walking by the tank to see what our friend was doing. I also put some fresh carrot peels and some sprinkles of water into the tank.

Within a short time (not sure exactly, but less than an hour because that's how long I was up before Quinn woke up) the snail found its way to the carrots and began happily feasting. (Click on photo for a close-up view.)

Lily slept at my parents' last night so I reported the exciting development to her over the phone this morning.

Me: "Great news, Lily! Guess who I found this morning?"
Lil: Who?"
Me: "The snail! I woke up this morning and found it on the side of the tank."
Lil: "That's good, Mama."
Me: "And I gave it some fresh carrot peels, which it really seems to like to eat."
Lil" "I know mom. That's what I told you. They really do like carrots. I'll see you in a little while. Bye Mama."

As I was taking (several) photos of the snail this morning and trying to find a minute to jump on my laptop and write about it, I had to laugh.

I realized that much of what I am trying to create in our home for the benefit of our children (like access to nature via our "critter corner") is as much for me as it is for them -- and maybe, as evidenced by the slight disparity of enthusiasm during Lily and my phone conversation -- a little more for me!

Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails...

2008-06-07T20:39:00.026-04:00

...that's what little boys are made of.

In one of our favorite nursery rhyme books, Here Comes Mother Goose, by Iona Opie and Rosemary Wells, this traditional rhyme is turned around so that it's the little boys who are made of "sugar and spice and all things nice" and little girls who are made of "frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails."

I still find myself tripping over the words a bit when we come to that rhyme, as the traditional version is so etched in me mind, but I am grateful for this gentle reminder of the power of language.

And I am grateful that my creepy-crawly-critter-loving daughter has ample roll models, both in literature and life, that encourage her to pursue her love of nature and insects and mud, as well as dolls and tea parties.

And I guess I should also consider myself, her primary caregiver for the last four years, among these roll models -- though that feels odd as I have yet to make peace with most things that creep or crawl myself.

My parents were (are) fantastically wonderful parents (and grandparents) but, near as I can tell, neither of them -- a math/computer science teacher and an electrical engineer -- were particularly interested in exploring nature. I don't remember ever having a garden as a child or going camping or (intentionally) having bugs or other critters in our house.

It was actually my experiences, beginning as a young teenager and continuing through college, as a mother's helper, babysitter, camp counselor and eventually (albeit briefly) as an elementary school teacher, that got me really excited about the discoveries one can make by digging in the dirt.

And like most every parent on the planet who looks back at their own childhood and notices something lacking, I set the intention to raise our children to feel comfortable in and connected to the natural world.

And yet I still didn't feel any more comfortable with the thought of handling critters.

Over the course of the last four years, and most significantly this past year, I have been stretching outside of my comfort zone and getting to know the creature world.

In the beginning, I mainly just noticed how uncomfortable creepy-crawly things make me feel and tried to use this new awareness as a growth opportunity.

One of the biggest things for me has been reading books -- lots of them! Every couple of weeks I go online and order books about a particular critter that is of interest to our daughter (often inspired by her favorite TV shows, Zoboomafoo and Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies).

Sometimes I read them with her. Sometimes I read them myself and talk about them with her. Sometimes I just put them on our book shelf to have as a reference if something comes up (like today when we wondered how to create a habitat for a garden snail).

I also have started handling critters -- well sort of.

What I do is wear garden gloves when we work outside. When Lily finds something interesting -- a small toad, a wriggling worm, ants, spiders, inchworms -- she joyfully picks them up and often wants me to do the same.

Without my gloves on I am (still) pretty freaked out to touch them but with my gloves on it doesn't bother me a bit. And she really doesn't seem to notice that I'm wearing gloves because their just kind of part of my gardening/yard work gear!

We also visit the aquarium often and enjoy some of the less splashy (literally) exhibits like the bat cave and snake and lizard habitats. Observing the critters through glass feels very comfortable for me -- and is actually a lot of fun!

A few weeks ago, I decided it would be fun to get a tank and create a little habitat in our house like the one at Lily's preschool (pictured below).

Through the wonders of technology, I posted a request on Freecycle and within a couple of days, we had our tank! It's been sitting empty for a few weeks, waiting for its first inhabitants.

Then yesterday, while out working in the garden, John and Lily happened upon a garden snail (which a few years ago would have evoked a loud "EWWWWWW" from me), but after hearing about the snails at school for months now, I was thrilled to welcome our first critter.

This afternoon Lily and I spent some time making the tank a little cozier for our guest by adding soil, rocks, sticks, leaves, rocks, moss and a shell. Lily told me that at school they feed the snails carrot peels, so that is what ours received as its first meal. I learned, yesterday, while visiting her school for her birthday celebration, that it is also necessary to spray the tank with water every couple of days.

Here's Lily (nails freshly painted for the baby shower luncheon we attended today) checking out the snail.

Apparently she was right! The snail moved (surprisingly quickly) to the carrot shreds, which, according to the book I read last night, it will use its rough tongue to lick nutrients off of.

And here is our new critter tank. Like everyone else in our cozy, little house, our snail friend will live in our "living" room!

Thank you Rosemary Wells, Iona Opie, and my sweet Lily for reminding me that both boys and girls -- and grown ups too -- can be made of "frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails"!

it's hard to be two...

2008-06-04T17:12:00.002-04:00

Beginning to explore education options more deeply

2008-05-31T14:59:00.014-04:00

Lily is turning four in a couple of weeks.

Last month she started teaching herself to write words. She has been writing her name for a while now - and occasionally a couple of other words like Mama, Papa, Nana, Grandpa and Grandma.

But last month she made the connection that all "things" have "words" and all words have "letters".

And that if she wants to write about something she can find the word (in a book, on a sign, on a toy) or ask someone what the letters are and then she can write the letters that make the word, that represent the "thing" that she wants to write about.

And she is THRILLED with this discovery.

She has a new mode of expression and she is having SO much fun with it -- labeling her pictures, making cards, writing letters and addressing envelopes, drawing on our chalkboard...

And when I witnessed the amazing process by which this learning took place -- in our car, at our dining room table (which is actually in our living room because the former "dinette" next to the kitchen is now a play area), at her nursery school, at my parents' house, at the grocery store and just about anywhere else we went in the last several weeks -- it made me realize that learning can and does happen EVERYWHERE!

Which made me feel really excited about the idea of unschooling our kids.

And so I spent the next several weeks moving/dreaming in an unschooling direction...gathering items off Craig's List and Freecycle, like old (but working) digital cameras for my budding photographers and aquarium tanks for our growing critter collection, and checking books out of the library on insects and gardening...and feeling really in the flow of life while I was doing.

And then I crashed.

I had a couple of events that I was hosting -- a blessingway for a friend's new homebirth midwifery practice (the first in our state in 100+ years) and a potluck picnic for our friends and family -- and a writing assignment that made my heart sing and suddenly my needs and the kids needs seemed really at odds.

And we all started fighting a lot. And I tried to push through with my stuff (because I was really, really excited about the events and the writing project and not having time/space to do them felt really frustrating).

And things got more and more tense.

And then I thought, "There is NO WAY I can homeschool (or unschool or roadschool or any of the other cool things I've been reading about) because I will go totally INSANE!!!"

I need some regular blocks of time away from my kids (or anyone else who wants anything from me) to create and dream and write and do whatever it is I most want to do. I do not enjoy ALWAYS having them with me and ALWAYS having to take their needs into consideration.

And then I started moving/dreaming in the direction of them going to school -- a charter school or a Montessori school or a Waldorf school (yes! I realize the philosophies are VERY different and some would even say opposite) or an Enki school or some other awesome school that I don't even know about yet!

And then Thursday (Lily has preschool, Quinn has daycare and I get to write, or garden, or both!) and the energy in our house was SO peaceful. And we parted ways joyfully in the morning and reconnected joyfully at noon and life felt REALLY groovy and fun! And I thought, Yes! School really is GOOD for our family.

And I talked to my friends whose kids go to school and they told me all the things that they love about it. And all the things they love about what they do while their kids are in school.

And I continued to think, Yes! School is REALLY good for our family.

And then my friend who is finishing up a year of homeschooling her kindergarten-aged daughter and exploring options for going to school for first grade said that her big concern is how much time kids are away from home.

When would we do all of the fun things that we love to do with our kids?

(In our house it's reading books and having our morning sharing circle where we speak our intentions for the day and do yoga and sing songs, writing in our journals, working in the garden, going on nature walks, and collecting eggs and visiting with our chickens, and having a weekly "adventure day" where we do something different/fun, and cooking, and baking, and listening to my daughter act out plays with her wooden animals while I cook dinner.)

When would we do those things if they got on a bus at 7:30 or 8 o'clock and got home at 3:30 or 4 o'clock, five days a week??

So now I'm starting to feel myself dream/move in the direction of a cottage school that meets two-three days per week...where we get some of the many benefits of a school community, and I get a regular chunk of time for my work, but we are not committed to a five-full-day school week schedule.

To be continued....

More contrast...more growth.

2008-05-29T10:38:00.013-04:00

It's tempting to skip over the last couple of days like they never happened but I know that doing so would be dishonest to myself, and to anyone who might be reading along with my happy-fun-mothering-adventures.

There have been many wonderful moments in recent days, most especially our potluck picnic at the park on Sunday, and the creation of my new dating column on kidoinfo.com, but there have also been many long, dark, angry, scary, trudging-uphill-in-a-snowstorm moments.

And I am once again examining who I am as a person and mother and who I want to be.

In the last week, and especially in the last two days, I have been ugly and angry and disrespectful and violent (physically, emotionally, verbally, energetically) with my children.

And the whole time I have been feeling angry and trapped because if they would just start behaving themselves, I wouldn't be so frustrated all the time.

My two-year-old has been biting my four-year-old and my four-year-old has been throwing food and books and toys at my two-year-old and at me.

Yesterday I read Scott Noelle's Daily Groove and it spoke to me so deeply.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Blessing the Mirror ::

Today, stand before a mirror and bless it for the gift
of reflection...

Thank you, blessed mirror, for helping me
see myself, so I can use that awareness to
express myself more authentically.

Thank you for letting me see when my face
shows signs of stress, so I can shift my
thinking until my reflection indicates that
I've found my way back to Well-Being.

You know where this is going, don't you? . . .
Your *child* is the mirror!

When you don't like what you see in your child,
there's a good chance s/he's reflecting some aspect of
yourself that's out of alignment with Who You Really Are.

Be open to seeing that. And remember that it's rarely
a *literal* reflection. Children often reflect their
parents' shadows in exaggerated or quirky ways.
Follow your intuition.

Bless your beloved "mirror" and focus on being true to
your Self. Eventually, your child will reflect that
Truth back to you.

http://dailygroove.net/mirror

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

I have been repeatedly telling my kids over the last several days...

"It's okay to feel angry but it's not okay to bite"
"It's okay to feel angry but it's not okay to throw food at your Mama."

...and threatening them with consequences and putting them in Time Out (yet another of the many things I vowed I would never do).

Meanwhile, I have continued to do exactly what I am trying to teach them not to do.

I am taking MY anger and frustration out on THEM.

And when I step back and look at the words I have been using and the energy behind them, as I am now, I feel sick to my stomach.

I know that the way that I have been acting this week is NOT who I am and most definitely not who I want to be.

Thankfully, I have a loving and supportive partner who patiently and gently put kids to bed the last two nights when I just couldn't do it.

And I was able to get out and take a walk alone and work in the garden and return just a short time later with a fresh perspective.

I am simply out of balance.

Really that's all there is to it. And as a yoga teacher I *should* know this, right?

But it's so hard to see it in your own life. And when there is so much chaos and anger around you, it's so easy to point at everyone else and say it is their fault.

I love my children dearly and I love being their mother. But I also love being a writer and a teacher, and working in my garden, and learning new things and dialoging with other adults.

And I am a much happier, calm, centered, joyful, present mother when I acknowledge and honor these needs.

And yet I still keep pushing forward (with a clenched jaw and knotted stomach) with this idea that it wrong for me to want to be away from them. To need to be away from them. And that if I just keep trying hard enough I will somehow figure out how to balance it all at the same time.

And it's not working.

So today, once again, I am deeply grateful for wonderful and nurturing childcare so that I may have this time and space to explore these feelings, to rest and to recharge and to, once again, find my balance.

life is good...

2008-05-21T21:45:00.001-04:00

Spring Peepers: Week five (maybe six??)

2008-05-20T15:23:00.008-04:00

The chicks are now out in the barn in the extra stall next to Roosty and the "big girls". Cleaning out the stall was quite a project (one I opted to do without any "help" from kiddos :-).

The chicks seem to have adjusted pretty well and are enjoying the extra room to move and practice flying. They were a little freaked out at first by the rooster's crowing and the squawking of the hens as they lay their eggs, but they seem to be settling in to the new sounds.

I hope, at some point soon (if the weather ever gets warm), to start putting them out in the yard in a wire dog crate so they can start scratching for bugs and eating grass.

The stall before I cleaned it out:

The displacement factor outside the barn (which I'm still working on cleaning up):

The chicks check out their new digs:

Lily and Sarah:

Spring Peepers - Week 3

2008-05-05T20:37:00.020-04:00

It's been quite an adventurous week with our basement-dwelling chicks!

One day last week (Wednesday, I think) I went downstairs to get, ironically enough, chicken out of the freezer for dinner and discovered one of our little chicks hanging upside down with its leg stuck between two metal bars (firewood rack holding the heat lamp).

Lily was upstairs putting our her boots, which I've made mandatory for visiting with the chicks as the wood chips are not quite as fresh and clean as they were last week.

I scanned the plastic wading pool and realized that it was her beloved friend, Cocoa, who was injured, and I thought possibly dead.

I yelled up to Lily to please wait at the top of the stairs and as I did that Cocoa moved a bit. And that is when my first official chick rescue began.

Well, almost.

I kind of hopped around in a circle for a minute or so trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do, wanting to call someone (I have no idea who) to help, but realizing, once again (though it still never ceases to amaze me), that I am the Mama. I'm the one in charge who is supposed to remain calm and know what to do in emergencies.

I stopped hopping in place and flailing my arms and took a deep breath.

I was able to slip her leg out (without really looking at it because I was afraid it was going to be broken and horrible to see) and she snuggled right in to my chest. I brought her upstairs and explained what happened to Lily who suggested that we needed to give her Rescue Remedy and lots of love energy, which we did.

Lily examined Cocoa's leg and reported that it was not broken, just badly sprained and that she needed to be snuggled by her best friend Lily.

After about a half an hour, we brought her back down with her friends, where she hopped around on one foot for the rest of the day.

By the next morning she was walking, gingerly, on the leg and within a couple of days, there was no sign of the injury.

All was quiet with the chicks for a couple of days. I started noticing that taking care of them (fresh water and food twice a day) was becoming a bit of a chore for Lil.

But then they started to change. Virtually overnight, they went from cute fluffy little chicks to awkward teenager chicks, which apparently Lily finds even more beautiful than the fluffy babes.

They have lost most of their soft fuzzy feathers and their new feathers are showing their distinctive markings.

They are starting to attempt flying more regularly and are beginning to take interest in what is beyond the blue plastic walls containing them.

This weekend we will move them out to an empty stall in the barn where they will have even more room to roam and partake in their teenage chicken antics!

Fun Finger Foods

2008-05-04T18:59:00.015-04:00

Tonight we had a dinner that was so well received by the under-four crowd in our house, that I want to jot for future inspiration!

We've had a lot of favorites in the last couple days - chicken-broccoli and yummy tacos - so I really didn't feel like doing much cooking tonight.

So, while John took the kids to the playground to play, I whipped up some mini-bagel pizzas (mini bagels, jarred sauce, shredded mozzarella cheese - easy peasy).

I wanted to serve a veggie with it and decided some edamame (in the shells of course - so much more fun to eat when you have to pop the beans out of their shells!) would be great.

I know the kids love edamame but the bagel pizzas were new (you'd think pizza would be an easy sell but Lily is quite particular about the sauce the cheese ratio and the amount of "spicy-ness" that works for her) so I thought I'd put out a couple of sure things like a bowl of olives (fun to slip onto all of your fingers) and peanut butter with pretzel sticks for dipping!

The theme on the table this week has been Matchbox Cars so it just all came together really nicely to be a super fun and easy meal.

Half-way through the meal, Lily started using a little dump truck to dump edamame shells in the shell bowl, and Quinn was bulldozing some olives around the table.

I think there was a time that I would have thought toys at the table and finger foods were not good for dinner, especially not Sunday Dinner, but tonight was one of the most relaxing and fun meals we've had in a long time!

And no one was jumping up from the table after five minutes to run off and play. I think this was one of the longest meals that both kids contently ate and played at the table!

And there was very little kitchen clean up after we ate since there wasn't a whole lot of mixing and cooking involved -- which is always a hit with the over-30 crowd in our house! ;-)

Life is good.

2008-04-29T23:05:00.028-04:00

Here are a few things I want to remember about my 34th birthday...

~ Still riding the high from the amazing weekend and my first official overnight retreat since Lily was born, almost four years ago.

~ Taking several important steps towards starting my new career!

~ Driving the van through puddles today and hearing both kids SQUEAL with delight when the water splashed up.

~ Quinn having a major tantrum and throwing everything that came near him at the restaurant during lunch.

{And me REALLY not being all that bothered about it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely would have preferred to eat under more peaceful conditions but it didn't totally ruin my day in the way tantrums have in the past. That feels really BIG.}

~ Sitting in the van in the rain with the kids and watching surfers riding the waves and yelling "surfer up!!!.....awwwwww....surfer dooooooown" over and over and then laughing and laughing.

~ Receiving cards and e-mail wishes from friends I haven't talked to in a long time. It felt so good to reconnect!

~ Helping Quinn through another tantrum at nap time, and again being really pretty okay with it (I never imagined I'd feel this way about tantrums. Very cool. :-).

~ Having one of my wonderful Mother's Helpers here to keep Lil company while I was upstairs being okay with above-mentioned tantrum.

~ Hearing about the crazy adventure that my mom took to pick up a reflexology gift certificate for me and thinking about how wonderful it's going to be when I go for the treatment.

~ Watching Quinn be totally satisfied to re-gift me flowers two seconds after Lily presented them to me!

~ Eating delicious Pad Thai that John picked up on his way home tonight.

~ Having my dad take something out of the yard that I've been wishing would disappear so I can enjoy a more pleasing view out of my kitchen window.

~ And the most wonderful thing I want to remember about my 34th birthday...

Having Lily smile and reach under her pillow this morning. And pull out the birthday card she made for me.

On it she drew a picture and wrote in something that looked like this...

MMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMM

Which she dictated to John to be...

~ I love when Mama helps me to take a bath.
~ I love when Mama feeds me food.
~ I love when Mama takes me places and gives me treats.
~ I love when Mama helps me to sleep.
~ And when Mama helps me write letters.
~ And I love that Mama always cares about me and hugs me and kisses me.

Ahhhhhhh....life is good.

Spring Peepers: Week Two

2008-04-27T20:36:00.028-04:00

I thought I was going to report that "Mother Hen" was losing interest in the chicks, but I was wrong (as you will see when you get to the last two pictures).

As I had anticipated, raising chicks in the living room ran its course in a week. When I walked in today the odor of wet bedding nearly knocked me over. And then there was the small detail that our little birds learned how to "fly the coop" and were roosting on the arms of our chairs (!).

So this afternoon I set up their new home, a cracked plastic kids' wading pool with our firewood ring holding the heat lamp, all of which is located in the basement!

It's a pretty good set up if I do say so myself! ;-)

Over the week, Lily has connected with two chicks in particular, Sarah and Cocoa. She really doesn't acknowledge the other four fuzzy babies in the group. Just, her best friends, Sarah and Cocoa.

Here's a shot of Lil pulling Sarah around in a tiny wagon. (I'm telling you, I was there, I really think the chick was okay with this.)

Cocoa, of course, wanted a ride too!

And then after not really paying much attention to the chicks the last few days, here is Lil *in* the chick's new swimming pool home (I had just put the fresh bedding in so it was nice and clean in there ;-).

Sunday, April 27, 2008. 6:02 a.m.

2008-04-27T06:44:00.050-04:00

I am awakened suddenly.

This is nothing new for me as most mornings begin with my almost-two-year-old gently nudging me to read him a book (usually by dropping the hardest board book he can find on my head), or telling me that he'd like to a drink of water (by knocking our family's shared water cup off the window sill and onto our bed) or what I've come to savor most, that he'd like to nurse, which means that for at least five more minutes I can lay there in stillness and quiet before the day begins.

But today is different. I am alone. Just twenty minutes from my house, I am practically in my own backyard, and yet worlds away from my life.

I am on retreat. The first I have been on since my mothering journey began nearly four years ago.

The magic that is this perfect moment, began several months ago when I signed up for a writing workshop, Writing from the Heart with Nancy Aronie, as a birthday gift to myself. A six hour workshop, plus a little extra "alone time" driving there and back felt simply decedent.

Then a few days before the workshop my (wonderful, thoughtful) husband suggested that I might like to extend my workshop into a mini-retreat by staying overnight in a nearby hotel.

So here I am. Sprawled out in a king-size bed. All by myself.

And it feels WONDERFUL!

I got a few funny looks last night by the pool when the small talk turned to where we are from and what we are doing here. I explained that I lived 20 minutes away but was here, alone, celebrating my birthday.

"Do you have some friends with you?" a nice older gentleman asked me. "Or is your husband coming to meet you later?"

I smiled and assured him that I was very happy to be here, alone, celebrating my birthday.

"Oh, I get it" he said, winking, still seeming a bit perplexed but hopeful that I had something exciting planned for the night.

"Well, whatever you do, enjoy yourself!" he added as he and his travel companion gathered up their things and made plans for their night out.

I lingered at the pool a bit longer, alternating between lounging in the hot tub and lying in a chair re-reading Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

In the book, Lindbergh, a mother and writer like myself, reflects on her life and her dreams while spending time, alone, in a cottage by the sea.

And that's just what I'm here to do. To put life on pause for 24 hours and be still.

Well, that and to sleep -- when I want, where I want, for as long as I want.

And to move only when I want to in ways that feel wonderful.

Like this morning when I intended to begin my day with salutations to the sun but ended up doing more like half of a half sun salutation (and even that was a bit of a challenge for muscles that have been neglected for far too long).

And then I got back into bed, supported by a half-dozen pillows, with my laptop propped on a nice little wooden lap desk I found when I arrived.

And here I have been for the last two hours. Writing a little. Daydreaming a little. Relaxing a lot.

And anticipating the delicious (complementary) breakfast buffet awaiting me downstairs. And even more so, anticipating the arrival of my husband and children in a couple of hours for a morning of swimming and playing in the pool!

It felt so good to pause my life just for 24 hours, to remove myself from the dailiness of householding and childminding, to create and explore in the workshop, and to lounge and be still alone by the pool.

And, most importantly, to eagerly anticipate reuniting with my family; refreshed, renewed, and ready to resume the dailiness of householding and childminding, the very things that give meaning and purpose to my life.

Dandelions

2008-04-24T08:00:00.007-04:00

I watched my daughter pick dandelions today.

And talk to them and tell them of their beauty.
And notice them all along the roadway.

And squeal with delight when she discovered
More of the cheery yellow flowers in our backyard.

I watched my daughter nurture her friendship with Nature today
And my heart overflowed with joy.

A new baby!

2008-04-20T22:22:00.001-04:00

We got to visit "Lenny" a five-day old calf born at the family-farm where we buy our milk this week!

Lenny's Mama:

Spring Peepers!

2008-04-20T21:11:00.014-04:00

John surprised us Friday night by coming home with six, week-old chicks. (He had to stop by the tractor supply store to get a new wheel for our lawnmower cart and couldn't resist the cute little peepers!)

What's in there?

Wow!

Settling them in to their temporary home (a recycling bin in our living room!)

Lily is in love!

I have to dig out my chicken book. It's been a couple of years since we've had chicks. I think they'll hang out in our living room for another week or so, then move down into the basement for a week or so, then out to the barn (separate from the "big girls") for a few more weeks.

Lily, of course, is totally loving her role as "mother hen". She's been doting on her chicks -- making sure they have fresh food and water and lots of love. And Quinn (who is turning two in a couple of weeks!!) is doing very well learning how to be "gentle-gentle" with our new friends.

Seal Watching

2008-04-20T20:43:00.001-04:00

Yesterday Lily and I hiked Rome Point, a popular destination for seal-watching, along with some friends, my sister and her hiking club from work. It was about a three-mile round trip, one of the longer hikes I've done in a while and definitely the longest Lily has ever attempted. (Luckily, Auntie Jill was kind enough to give her a piggy-back ride much of the way back to the car. ;-)

We had a great time and were rewarded with a distant view of harbor seals sunning on the rocks in Narragansett Bay.

The kids, still mastering the challening art of binocular-viewing, were more interested in the thick footing of discarded shells that we got to walk on and crunch and the seagulls that entertained us with their antics and delighted us with the breadth of their vocalizations.

I made up a dip for after the hike. It was a quick throw-together of ingredients I had on hand that turned out to be incredibly delicious. (Recipe below.)

Smashed Meatballs

2008-04-20T17:01:00.013-04:00

We love our meatballs in this house but we were looking for something (equally delicious) that was quick to make for dinner tonight after a long day working/playing in the yard.

John suggested pasta with a meat sauce but I thought the kids would balk at their meatballs not being well, meatballs. The we got the idea to sell them as "smashed meatballs". They were a BIG hit!!

Here's how I made them...

Saute chopped onion and minced garlic in olive oil with a little salt, pepper, basil, and celery seeds.

Add a pound of ground beef (preferably local and grass-fed) and brown, stirring every few minutes, for about 15 minutes.

Add one jar of tomato sauce and simmer on low for about a half an hour.

I served it over whole wheat spaghetti with garlic bread.

Lily decided that she likes smashed meatballs even better then the regular "hard" meatballs because they are yummier and easier to eat!

Embellished Guacamole

2008-04-20T16:33:00.008-04:00

I made this yesterday for a post-hike snack. I started with the intention of making guacamole but then thought it would be nice to mix in some beans for extra protein. Beans made me think corn and then I just started mixing. I really liked how it came out and wanted to post the "recipe" while it was still fresh in my mind.

Ingredients:
1-2 ripe avocados
1 can of black beans
Frozen corn (maybe about a cup?)
1 small, or half of a large, onion, chopped
Salsa (a couple of heaping spoonfuls)

Add to taste:
Cilantro
Cumin
Salt

Mix everything together and serve with corn chips, crackers, carrot sticks etc.

lily's banana peel art...

2008-04-18T21:04:00.003-04:00

New Nesting Boxes!!

2008-04-12T14:18:00.018-04:00

My aunt and uncle, Lily's Godparents, came down today and installed new nesting boxes for our chickens!

Here's a before shot (old recycling bin on the floor):

A couple of during shots:

Quinn doing his own work nearby:

And after:

Dishpans fit inside for easy cleaning:

Lily checking out the new egg doors (She can now reach in from outside of the stall, which means no more chicken poop shoes or worrying about the rooster - yay!):

Bill got one more idea (a roosting pole that the chickens could jump onto to get into the boxes more easily):

Thank you Uncle Bill and Auntie Linda!! We LOVE it!!

Are we ever "home free"?

2008-04-11T20:50:00.046-04:00

It's been a really...let's see...I want to say, "It's been a really fucking hard week" but I've already offended my mother once this week by using "the f word" in my writing -- and as a quote from her three-year-old granddaughter no less.

So I will just say that this week has been very challenging.

I can't really pinpoint one thing that was especially hard about it but it really felt like a long, painful, uphill climb -- and there was waaaaaay too much yelling and too much crying and too many temper-tantrums.

And I'm not just talking about my kids -- I really sucked as a mom this week in a lot of ways.

I yelled too much. I was too rough putting my almost-two-year-old into his carseat and squashed his beautiful, curious spirit by not allowing him to explore the "way back" seat (aka the third row of our minivan).

And I didn't have the patience to sit and let him play in the driver's seat, turning every possible knob he can find so the next time I get in the car, the air conditioner, defroster, windshield wipers (set to monsoon speed), hazard lights, high beams, and my stereo (on full blast) nearly knock me out of my seat.

And I growled and swatted at children who just wouldn't stop touching me and talking to me and fall asleep already!

I cried a lot and thought "I really just can't get up another day and do *this* again. I can't keep doing what I did today. I can't keep feeling like I feel right now."

And in the meantime I decided to up the ante.

I got a little caught up in the energy of Spring Cleaning and decided that I wanted to give some attention to cleansing my body (I don't want to do a full detox because I'm still nursing) but just being a little more aware of what I'm eating and how I'm treating my body. So since sometime earlier this month (no official start or end date) I've been cleansing.

I feel like I've gotten outside of my comfort zone with my enjoyment of an almost-nightly glass of wine to unwind. And my increasing interest in coffee. And how often I reach for a bottle of Advil because I just can't deal with this throbbing headache and function anywhere close to effectively as a mom of two young children.

So this week I skipped the wine (did a lot more Rescue Remedy than usual, drank my favorite Mellow Mama tea many times a day, did some fun art therapy stuff with my counselor, and took a walk by myself -- well, almost, the dog came with me -- at least once a day).

Until tonight. I decided to have a glass of wine tonight and I'm glad I did. It felt really good - not desperate.

Enjoying some wine, listening to music, catching up with my husband, and cleaning up the kitchen (after I had already taken a little jog, yes jog! - yay, me!) felt like a nice balance.

Our well pump broke this week. Not really a big thing in the scope of all reality but it felt pretty huge. No water. No washing dishes, flushing toilets, doing laundry, taking showers.

The experience itself -- especially my four-year-old sitting out in her wagon watching 300 feet of hose be pulled out of the ground -- was really positive. Within six hours of turning on the faucet and having nothing come out, a local well company was here fixing it!

I am so grateful for clean, running water and our easy access to it!

But the residual clutter (the water is still clearing since they stirred up sediment and added chlorine) of dishes and dirty clothes from a week of neglect is daunting.

However, I think the main stressor this week, which is much less overt but incredibly present, is that my kids are going to be turning two and four in a few weeks and I am still trying to figure out how the hell to do this whole mom thing.

I am still trying to figure out how to meet their needs and be present and enjoy and savor this time with them and meet my own needs and manage a household and (hopefully) find a little quiet time to write.

And it just feels like such a bummer. I really thought we'd be grooving by now.

I remember when my second was a newborn, and my first was turning two, and there was no real quiet, dreamy babymoon like with our first, and no "sleep when the baby sleeps". I felt like I was caught in a massive washing-machine of a crashing wave and just kept getting pelted from all directions -- nursing all day and night (or at least that's what it felt like) and being woken at 5 a.m. by a WIDE awake toddler who wanted to GO, GO, GO! The same toddler who decided a few months after her brother was born that she was done napping.

"My body isn't tired, Mama. I just can't make it sleep when it isn't tired."

I remember thinking...one and three, one and three, one and three...next year is going to be easier. They are going to be one and three. It has to be easier than what we're doing right now.

Then when one and three came and life still wasn't as groovy as I hoped it would be, my friend (whose kids are both six weeks younger than mine) and I started saying two and four, two and four, two and four. Just THINK about how much easier it's going to be next year when they are two and four! We're going to be "home free".

And now here we are. Getting ready for birthdays number two and four.

And wow. Definitely not feeling "home free".

LOTS of amazing things are happening. We really are having fun and are definitely having more flowy, groovy mornings (afternoons with one napper and one non-napper are still pretty challenging-and at times downright ugly).

But I really don't want to keep unconsciously shifting my mantra to "three & five, four & six, five & seven".

I don't want to experience mothering always waiting for the future, biding my time, killing an hour and just surviving the day (and relying on an ever-increasing number of substances and PBS shows to help me do so).

So here's to an amazing shift beginning NOW! Two and four (and 34 and 40), here we come! It's about to start getting really FUN!!!

Poetic Pause

2008-04-08T07:43:00.006-04:00

As much as I am LOVING this poetry challenge and the experiences I've had writing poetry for the first time in a decade (or more?), I've decided to take a break.

Already I have gained so much from this experience. I'm really enjoying the energy of poetry much more than I ever have. I'm noticing rhythm and rhyme everywhere. I pulled out a bunch of nursery rhyme books that had been collecting dust on the shelf and the kids and I are having a great time exploring them.

However, I tend to get a little obsessive when I get involved in a creative project. Between this and my Treasure Map, I've been plugging my kids into the TV more than I feel comfortable with.

The fact that I haven't "kept up" for the last three days is causing background angst that I just don't need in my life!

Plus today we woke up to discover that we have NO water. None, not a drop coming out of the faucet. A well company will be coming out to diagnose in a couple of hours.

So my challenge today is to stay positive, relaxed, and flexible as we figure out what the problem is and how much it is going to cost to fix it.

And to laugh every time I forget and try to turn on the water at the faucet, again!

And enjoy my kids and this beautiful sunny day while doing it.

Energy Nuggets

2008-04-07T15:13:00.005-04:00

Ok. No poetry inspiration yet today but I did want to share this recipe. The kids and I have been having fun making (and eating) these! I got the idea from one of my favorite cookbooks, Cooking with the Dead.

We've been having a lot of low blood sugar meltdowns around here lately so I'm trying to find some more healthy snacks to have on hand for frequent snacking! These are really quick and easy to make. I keep them in the fridge to eat at home or freeze them to bring along when we go out.

Ingredients
(all very approximate measurements)
2 cups of peanut butter
2 cups of brown puffed rice cereal
1/2 cup of maple syrup
1 cup of coconut flakes
1 cup of flax seeds
1 cup of sunflower seeds
1 cup of wheat bran
1/2 cup chopped prunes (or other dried fruit)
1/2 cup chocolate chips (plus some for snacking)

I measure everything out ahead of time and put each ingredient into a little bowl for the kids to dump in while I stir. We add the syrup in a little at a time to help offset the stickiness of the peanut butter and save 1/2 of the coconut to roll the nuggets in at the end.

Once everything is all mixed in I usually give the kids a scoop on a spoon to eat while I roll little balls in my hands (about the size of Swedish meatballs) and dredge them through the remaining coconut. Then I lay them on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper and put them in the fridge for at least an hour or so. (I transfer them into a storage container and keep in the fridge.)

That's it. Simple. Fun to make and REALLY delicious!

Poetry Challenge: Day 5

2008-04-05T20:12:00.003-04:00

The Day 5 prompt is to write a poem of worry. Also known as a worry poem. Anything that causes you worry can be used to help you write this poem.

I've decided to come back to this one at a later time. I'm currently working on my TreasureMap (vision board for the coming year) so I don't feel like I want to hang out with worry right now! ;-)

Poetry challenge: Day Four

2008-04-04T14:26:00.005-04:00

The prompt: Write a thankful poem. Another option is to write a tribute poem. The thankful/tribute poem can be dedicated to a person, an inanimate object, an idea, a day of the week, etc.

Happy Hour

I am thankful for thee
Oh Sesame.

My children you delight
Allowing me some time to write.

Letters, colors, the number of the day
No fighting, no yelling - let's find a gentle way.

It's a beautiful daily gift you give to me
Despite my pre-kid vow that our house would be 'no tv'.

Poetry challenge: Day 3

2008-04-03T20:14:00.005-04:00

Today's prompt is: write a haiku.

Off to read what makes a haiku, a haiku before I attempt to writeone. I know they are really short and syllables make a pattern (5-7-5, I think).

Ok. Here's what I just (re)learned: It is about nature. Contains a word that represents the season. Uses a juxtaposition of images. No similes or metaphors. In Japanese it's 5-7-5 sounds (syllables). In English it's generally short-long-short.

Here goes nothing...

black three-part body
awoken by the season
crawls on the table

Poetry Challenge - Day Two

2008-04-02T22:10:00.006-04:00

The prompt: Put yourself in someone (or something) else's skin and write a poem about the experience. Who (or what) ever you become, please make that the title of the poem. If you're Buddy Holly, your poem should be called "Buddy Holly." If you're the Bates Motel, your poem should be called "Bates Motel." And so on.

And my (second attempt at a) poem:

The Family Dog

New home
New collar
Cozy bed
Center of the world.

Toys
Walks
Car rides
Snuggles on the couch.

What is THAT?
Crying
Squeaking
Receiver of all toys, love, attention.

"Go lie down."
"Be quiet."

Banished
From the couch,
the kitchen,
the "playroom".

Forgotten outside
overnight
more than once.

"Did anyone feed the dog?"

At last a shift.
She who displaced now befriends.

Tea parties
Dress up
Endless walks around the house.

Follow me here.
"Good dog."
Now over here.

"You are my best friend."

The life of the family dog.

Writer's Digest: Poem-A-Day Challenge for April

2008-04-01T19:17:00.018-04:00

April is National Poetry Month and, to celebrate, Robert Lee Brewer (ringmaster of the Poetic Asides blog) challenged himself to write a poem each day--and he wants you to join him.The goal of the Poem-A-Day Challenge is to get poems on paper without worrying about quality as much as getting some first-draft material to work with. And, if you need a kickstart, he's offering a poetry prompt (which today is "firsts") for each day.

This sounds like fun! I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. I'm looking forward to exploring a new mode of expression. And I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with my children, who are (almost) four and (almost) two.

I guess I'm going to start. I think I'll just call this one...

My First Poem for Lily

Wow.
So many firsts recently.
It's amazing how much you are expanding.
Artwork has blossomed into a more clear vision of the
World as you see it.
Beautiful colors. Recognizable images. Amazing perspective.
Finally (FINALLY!!!) pooping on the potty. I knew you'd do it eventually but,
Let me tell ya Lil, you sure did resist this one.
First week of playing.
Really playing, and laughing and enjoying your brother, Quinn.
I think you are really starting to like him and he just adores you.
First time I looked at you and saw a four-year-old and not a three-and-a-half year old.
First visits from the Full Moon Fairies.
First time we went to Chuck E. Cheese together. Just the two of us. On a date.

And today...
First April Fool's Day joke.
You were AMAZING when you "fooled" Nana on the phone today.
You totally got her.
And you nailed the punchline.
SO cool.

--------

Wow. That was interesting. Fun. Awkward. Vulnerable. Mostly really fun!

Part of me wonders if I "did it right". Did I get my punctuation and capitalization and general flow right? Did I do anything embarrassing that's going to make me look stupid?

The rest of me doesn't really care. This was really fun and it felt good to stretch a little.

boots...

2008-03-29T14:52:00.004-04:00

Spring Nature Table

2008-03-24T10:47:00.003-04:00

Easter

2008-03-23T22:11:00.030-04:00

I had a proud moment this weekend as we enjoyed dinner at my mother-in-law's. After staring awkwardly at the table for several minutes, my almost-four-year old walked towards me.

"I need to speak in your ear, Mama," she said, blue eyes sparkling. "Can you please recommend a healthy, growing food. I don't see anything I like, Mama."

Internally gushing, "Healthy, growing food -- wow! She really is getting what I'm trying to teach. Wow...Good. For. Me!"

I scanned the table and realized there were no foods that were familiar to Lily (like say Annie's macaroni and cheese, spaghetti and meatballs, "yolky eggs," edamame, sliced apples, blueberry pancakes, Cheerios-and-milk out of the blue bowl with the built in straw, and her beloved "Chicken-Broccoli," which she has renamed "Rice-Chicken-Cheese-Broccoli" because she thinks her title makes more sense given the ingredients.)

I found her something yummy to eat that wasn't too sugary or too chocolate and sat back to marvel at what a great mom I am -- "My kid is asking for healthy-growing foods. Good. For. Me."

After exchanging some small gifts (and attempting to off-load hard-boiled, colored eggs on each other -- the Spring equivalent of August zucchinis), it was time to go.

Driving home I thought about the treasures the kids would find in their baskets the next day -- fun thrift store finds, a couple of pieces of chocolate, matchbox cars, books, colored thread for sewing, and a little duck and bunny for our Spring nature table.

I once again felt a nice comfortable swell of pride. "I really am doing okay at this whole mom thing."

Then, as we were getting ready for bed that night, at some point Lily dropped a book.

Without missing a beat. With perfect diction, she let out a slow, half-whispered "Fuuuuuuck!"

Trying not to look too shocked and stifling my giggles, I smiled and handed her the book.

Yup. She is definitely listenlearning from me.

Chicken-Broccoli Recipe

2008-03-23T21:10:00.028-04:00

This was a recipe from my dad's cousin/my mom's friend (i.e. the person who introduced my parents to each other) and it used Campbell's cream of chicken soup. I remember loving it as a child. We now make it without the canned soup and serve it over brown rice to make it a little more healthy but it really just is the ultimate super-creamy comfort food.

1 breast of skinnless/boneless chicken boiled for 15-20 minutes (or breast meat left over from a roast made earlier in the week)

The florets of two good-sized heads of broccoli - boiled until easy to puncture with a fork

Sauce:
Make a roux by melting 5 tablespoons of butter in a heavy-bottom pan over medium heat. Add 5 tablespoons of flour. Mix the two ingredients together and then add 2 cups of chicken broth (or one small package of Pacific free-range chicken broth) and one cup of milk (preferably raw, whole milk). Bring ingredients to a rolling boil and stir fairly consistently. (I tend to start the next part of the sauce and stir every minute or two.)

Sauce, Part Two:
Measure one cup of mayonnaise into a mixing bowl. (My sister insists that it has to be Kraft mayonnaise - I don't have a strong opinion here. And one of my aunt's uses plain yogurt to replace some/all of the mayonnaise.)

To the mayonnaise add: a capful of lemon juice (a.k.a. 1 teaspoon -- I think), a capful of curry powder (again, I think this is 1 teaspoon).

Are you starting to get a sense of cooking this recipe? I don't measure carefully. This recipe is adaptable, easy to put together, and is a cross-generation crowd-pleaser in our family.

While I'm making the mayonnaise-curry-lemon mixture, I'm stirring the roux every minute (or every couple of minutes) or so. My four-year-old also loves to mix the mayo-mixture together. (We usually do this while my almost-two year old, who also loves to help but tends to be a little less...umm...helpful, is taking his nap.)

To the mayonnaise mixture, I add the roux and my daughter mixes.

Meanwhile, I lay out the chicken and the cooked broccoli in a glass lasagna-size pan. We like a higher broccoli to chicken ratio in our house. And then we pour the sauce over the chicken and broccoli and top with grated cheddar cheese (or sometimes a "mozzarella and cheddar and something else" blend). Recently I started purchasing shredded mozzarella and cheddar cheese from Organic Valley. (I like what I've read about the company.) Use whatever amount you like. I think the original recipe called for 2 cups, which is usually one package. That was a little too cheesy for us so I cut it back a bit.

Bake in a (preheated) oven at 350* for about 30-40 minutes.

Once that's in, scoop out one cup of brown rice* and rinse it in a colander under warm water (removes bitter coating) and mix with two cups of water, a little salt and a little olive oil or butter. Bring to a boil and then simmer very low (I use my back "simmer" burner with a diffuser plate) for about 40 minutes.

Just before taking the casserole out of the oven, I put the broiler on for a minute or two (I use my oven's timer so I don't get distracted and burn the whole thing) and lightly brown the top so the cheese gets a little crispy.

Serve over the rice and with bread for dipping (which is more like slurping up every last drop of the sauce)!

* For a special treat sometimes I use Jasmine or Basmati flavored brown rice (which I honestly can not tell apart unless maybe I tried them side-by-side). I think the flavored rice adds a nice ummm...flavor. Same ratio of rice to water as the regular brown rice, same approximate cooking time.

felted eggs drying in the sun...

2008-03-14T00:34:00.001-04:00

What is the contrast?

2008-03-01T20:25:00.013-05:00

Today is the contrast.

Today was not enough sleep last night. Sick kid in arms for the past three days. Other kid in time-out or in a full tantrum (or both) far too much. And way too much tv.

Today was ugly and painful and seemingly unstoppable.

It was complicated by the fact that I felt like my husband was judging me all day.

I felt like he thinks I am solely responsible for my daughter's totally out-of-control behavior because I am too easy on her and I screwed up and told her about death (our sheep was eaten by a coyote and I told her and at the same time explained what "meat" really is) when she was two and a half.

(It seems a little insane as I write it but at the time it just really felt like the right thing to do. Lying about it felt wrong. Evading her questions felt wrong. Remembering how devastated I was when some of these types of issues entered my reality when I was much older, I thought if I just made it a "no big deal...it's nature...it's just how it is" kind of thing, that that is just what it would be.

It wasn't. But that's a story for another day.)

Today all the (unnamed until now) guilt that I've been feeling about putting my one-year-old in daycare three mornings a week so I can write and go to yoga and take a shower by myself, and go grocery shopping without anyone "helping" me, really came crashing in on me.

And my anxieties about what is happening with my daughter's increasing anxieties and my fears and guilt that maybe my husband is right and I did totally screw her up by giving her too much information too soon.

And a house that has not been cleaned, organized, loved, or even noticed in well over a week. And a husband who fortunately, has been cleaned, but not loved in the way that a husband loves to be loved, in far too long.

And stress about not knowing what the heck I want to cook and/or eat yet again.

And ongoing feelings of discouragement about my weight.

This is the contrast and when/if I am ready, it will be my great teacher!

Just hop on the bus, Gus...

2008-02-24T21:46:00.008-05:00

(I don't know why this is formatted like this?? And my attempts to fix it seem to be making
it worse.)

It is 9:30 on Tuesday morning and I’ve already played short-order cook, refereed a half-dozen disagreements, picked up 27 toys (only to find them right back in the middle of the floor five minutes later), changed a very uncooperative toddler’s diaper and carried a screaming child to her room for “a little time to relax.”

With 10 hours until bedtime – and more significantly, nine hours until my husband comes home from work – still ahead of me and what’s left of my patience (not much) quickly evaporating, I realized we needed a plan. And fast.

I thought back to last fall when I took the kids on their first train ride. We caught the train at the nearby train station and took it into Boston to meet my husband who was there for a meeting.

I didn’t have the money (or the energy) for a trip to Boston but thought exploring another form of public transportation, city buses, might be just the sanity-saving ticket I needed.
I hopped online to check the bus times and saw that we could take a 10:10 bus from the train station to the local mall.

With no more than a ten minute ride from our house to the train station, and all of us (thankfully) already dressed, I decided the 10:10 was doable.

I announced the plans to the kids and my daughter, who has been begging me to take her on a bus for months, jumped and screamed with glee.

By 10 minutes of 10 we were in the car and on our way.

When we arrived, the train station lot was packed so we looped around to the overflow parking where we found a space.

It was 10 o’clock and I knew we had 10 minutes until our bus was due but that didn’t stop me from launching into a full panic when I saw a bus coming around the corner.

With kids still strapped into their seats, I ran around to the back of the car to signal as best I could (jumping around and flailing my arms) for the driver to please wait for us.

He acknowledged me with a wave and I felt a surge of excitement.

With one kid in my arms and one running as fast as her little legs could carry her, we ran towards the bus stop.

As we approached, I saw the bus driver smoking a cigarette and decided it was safe to stop running.

When I got close enough to talk to the driver, and had paused long enough to catch my breath, I learned that the bus we had just chased was actually not the bus we were there to catch.

Our bus would be arriving in a few minutes.

I counted out my quarters and positioned them in my jacket pocket. According to the posted schedule the day’s bus-riding adventure was going to cost $3 for the round trip (kids under five ride for free).

When our bus finally rounded the corner and we climbed on board, I felt the huge surge of relief I remembered from my days of commuting into the city via the bus.

Although I wasn’t quite able to mentally check-out as I did back in those pre-kid days, it was still a great feeling to not be the driver for once.

As we turned out onto the road, some of the other passengers (who I learned at the mass exodus of the next stop, were college students) began to smile at my daughter.

The bus ride, which was just a way to get from Point A to Point B for them, was a magical adventure, every second of which was savored, by my three-and-half-year-old.

“We’re as high as the trees, Mama!

“Look Mama, there is the farm we’ve been to. It looks so neat from way up here.

“Look Mama, there’s the library.

“Mama, look! I see our church!

“This is SO amazing, Mama!”

And on it went. The Co-op, the ice-cream shop, the bike path, the turn to our friends’ house – all were announced with overflowing joy.

As we wove our way towards the mall and the warm broccoli soup that awaited us at Panera Bread, I thought back to the insanity of the morning and sighed.

Nine hours left to go until bedtime – though I can honestly say, I was no longer counting.

Beach-Combing

2008-01-20T21:21:00.006-05:00

It started innocently enough. My friend, an artist who creates jewelry with rocks and sea glass, invited me and my family to go beach-combing with her and her family.

Hiking down to the shore and avoiding mud puddles (or if you are under three, seeking out mud puddles) was quite an expedition. But the real adventure lay ahead as we slipped (literally – it really was very muddy) off the path and onto the rocky beach.

While our husbands kept an eye on our kids, we closed in on a perfect spot and began treasure hunting.

It started kind of slow. As little flecks of blue or green glass caught my eye I happily uncovered them and squirreled them away in my pocket.

For a while I tried to get my three-year-old interested showing her the beautiful treasures I was unearthing and encouraging her to do the same.

But she was much more interested in climbing the small bluffs nearby and playing with her friend, which turned out to be a good thing because I soon discovered that beach-combing is an all-consuming activity for me.

I had a blast for the next 10 (or was it 20? or 30?) minutes until the kids started getting bored and venturing too far away and we realized that it was getting close to nap time.

We decided it was time to head out, but much like blueberry picking in July, saying we were leaving and actually making forward motion towards the exit were two very distinct things.

As I slowly meandered back towards the path, I kept my eyes peeled, knowing there had to be at least one more treasure waiting for me to discover.

Later, as we drove home, I ran my fingers over the smooth edges of the glass in my pocket and eagerly anticipated the fun I would have inventorying and inspecting my collection.

Prior to this visit to the beach, I had collected a few pieces of sea glass and a couple of interesting rocks here or there, but it was during this Sunday afternoon expedition that I was bitten by the beachcombing bug!

The windowsill above my kitchen sink has turned into an alter of sorts with my rapidly growing collection of rocks, shells, driftwood and glass carefully laid out to greet me each morning.

Every small pocket of free time that I can find (admittedly not much with two young children) is an opportunity to escape to the beach for more treasure-hunting.

A solo trip to the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon or to pick up my children from my parents’ house is made via the shore (yes, dear family members that is why I am always late).

As I explore, I play mental games trying to see if my mood and attitude can affect the number and the quality of the pieces that I find and dream about other beaches that I may someday explore.

My friend joked with me that she’s a little jealous by how lucky I am with my finds, perhaps slightly regretting that she introduced me to her favorite sea glass gathering spot.

But, luckily for her, my new found passion has not extended into jewelry-making and I am happy to let her peruse my collection and help herself to anything that she would like for her work.

For me the joy is simply in the possibilities, the excitement of discovery, and the short mental retreat from daily life.

One day last week I brought my daughter, Lily, along with me to the shore.

She was slightly more interested in my activities this time, as it was just the two of us and I managed to be a little less obsessive than I was during our first visit, but after a short time she made it known that she was officially bored and wanted to leave.

Reversing our roles briefly, I pleaded for just a few more minutes to play and hurried to gather as many treasures as I could.

As we followed the trail back up to our car, it was my turn to wait while she explored one of her passions – mud puddles!

I was so tempted to hurry her along; after all I had what I needed – a pocket filled with glass, shells and rocks that I couldn’t wait to examine.

But as I watched her savor every inch of the sticky mud, drawing in it with a stick and making footprints, I realized it was her turn to retreat into the beauty and endless possibilities of the natural world.

I used the time to savor the view of the ocean, realizing how little I actually look up when I’m beachcombing, and jingled the contents of my pocket, feeling quite satisfied with our visit.

snow day...

2008-01-15T19:57:00.002-05:00

The blessings of a 'simple Christmas'

2007-12-24T10:35:00.008-05:00

Every year, on the day after Christmas, the women in my family gather at my parents’ house. My aunts, sister, mother, grandmother, my children, and I come together to just sit and visit with each other – something that seems to elude us on the actual holiday.

As we talk and knit, often finishing Christmas gifts that didn’t quite get done in time, we share stories of holiday preparations, shopping and gift-making.

In our constant quest to make holidays less stressful and more enjoyable for everyone, we also make plans for next year!

It was at one such gathering many years ago that we decided to “pull names” and only buy gifts for one person, instead of trying to get “a little something” for everyone in our large extended family.

For a while this was a great relief and a lot of fun. We picked names sometime in the fall and set to work creating something special for one person.

At some point, we decided to get birthdays under control as well by all keeping our Christmas person for the following year’s birthday.

For a while we were in a good groove and everyone seemed to be enjoying our simplified holiday exchanges, until somewhere along the way things started to shift.

Kids in the family (officially defined, much like dependants on health-insurance policies, as “up to age 21 or while a full-time undergraduate student”) came of age and the family circle expanded through marriage.

And then there was the question of boyfriends and girlfriends and whether or not to include them in the pool (i.e. would people date long enough to make it through the full Christmas-birthday cycle?).

Eventually things broke down and we pretty much all ended up exchanging gift cards – and not feeling all that great about it.

In hopes of saving us from another year of uninspired gift-card swapping, my sister started an e-mail “wish list” that we were to all add to and pass along.

We tried this for a couple of years with some success, but not everyone played along with giving ideas, and not everyone played along with buying from the “suggested gift list,” so this plan was eventually scrapped, which brings us to last year’s post-holiday review and this year’s holiday challenge – homemade gifts.

It seemed innocent enough: one homemade present and a full year to make it happen. And we all agreed that it didn’t have to be completely handmade.

The idea, once again, was to simplify the experience of Christmas gift-giving and prevent last-minute panic shopping by encouraging us to spend more time than money on presents.

The hope was that we would really think about the person receiving the gift and connect with that person in a way that a $50 gift card from Home Depot just can’t do.

In the weeks after Christmas, e-mails were exchanged, and ideas were flowing.
And then I’m not quite sure what happened. Spring rolled into summer and outdoor fun and parties and busyness.

Dreaming about homemade Christmas gifts, and much less doing anything about them, just kind of drifted away.

And then next thing we knew it was fall, and like it always does in September, time seemed to speed up.

At one of our family gatherings in October, a secret meeting was held by the men and they all pulled out of the gift-making experiment.

The women, none of whom had started making gifts, were not ready to give up however.
We loosened the rules even more and gift cards were once again fair game, but we all held the intention to try to make some part of the gift homemade.

In the next several weeks I got a small glimpse of what I’ve seen my graduate-student friends go through as they wrestle with dissertations.

I had bursts of inspiration, followed by weeks of creative drought, where I cursed the whole idea and Martha Stewart for making us think we all can and should try to make our own gifts.
I resigned myself to buying yet another gift-certificate, until one day a couple of weeks before Christmas an idea came to me.

Next thing I knew my kitchen table was an art studio and instead of just humoring my three-year-old by half-heartedly painting along with her, I set to work on a painting of my own – a watercolor for my mother, champion of any and all creative projects I’ve ever attempted.
As I finished the painting a few days before Christmas I realized what a gift this process had been for me.

My tackle box filled with art supplies, my faithful companion from long ago, is dust-free and once again in use.

Paintbrushes now sit in a jar on my kitchen windowsill awaiting the next wave of creative inspiration.

Yogurt containers, Styrofoam packaging, and plastic tops are once again treasured, rinsed and saved to be reused as paint pallets and I have reconnected with the feeling of deep joy that giving a gift from your Soul brings.

Mothering.com: Dear Lily

2007-12-24T10:32:00.006-05:00

Mothering.com
Web Exclusive, December 14, 2007

Dear Lily,
You nursed for the final time on Saturday. It was the middle of the day and we were at the YMCA, tucked in our special corner, as the rest of the world, and your brother Quinn chased by Nana, whirled by around us. As we snuggled in our quiet spot, where we have nursed so many times before, I didn't know it would be the last time we would do so.

I'm so grateful that I did not rush you but joyfully savored the special bond that we have shared for almost three years now.

Nursing did not come easy for us. Your birth was beautiful, peaceful and natural. Nursing, however, was anything but. Several nurses, our midwife and a lactation consultant tried to help us. They grabbed my breast and squeezed it and pushed it into your tiny mouth but you just couldn't latch on to my deeply inverted nipples. Eventually—after much frustration and many tears—they gave me shields to wear and you were able to latch on with those. I still remember how it felt the first time you latched and drew my breast, shield and all, into your mouth. I sobbed with joy.

We nursed with the shields, which we lost many times in our bed and my clothes, for about three months. At that point you were bigger and stronger and were able to draw my nipples out on your own.

I loved nursing you and we nursed everywhere—sitting on benches, under trees, at the mall, in the sling while grocery shopping, in restaurants, in parking lots, at concerts, and in church. Nursing has been, by far, my favorite part of being your mother.

I thought I would nurse you for at least two years, but Papa and I also wanted you to have a sibling close in age. I never stopped to think about how nursing and pregnancy would work—or not work—I just kept nursing you because it felt right.

There were definitely times during the pregnancy that I thought about weaning and we had to make some changes. When my nipples became sore we shortened our nursing sessions by singing songs and counting down, and we gave up night-nursing because my body was just too tired.

Looking back I now see that the end of night-nursing was a beautiful beginning—the time when your relationship with Papa grew to a new level. You learned that his snuggles, stories and songs could comfort you as together you created new nighttime rituals, different, but no less sacred than those that you and I shared. As my belly grew, nursing became a bit awkward. We tried new positions like standing or sitting side-by-side, but your favorite was draped over my big belly, wrapping your body around our baby.

When I went into labor, you were there and we nursed several times. In fact it was nursing you at the restaurant near the hospital that kicked my labor into high gear and sent Papa and I dashing to the car. You followed along with Nana, Grandpa and Aunt Jill and we nursed several more times in the hospital waiting room, the hallway, and a hard squeaky rocking chair—each time sending a surge of energy through my body, bringing our baby closer.

When Quinn was born, Papa gently lifted you, heavy with sleep, out of Nana's arms and brought you to meet your brother. You eyes widened as you took in this incredible reality. Within seconds you latched on to nurse while you stared intently at your new baby brother and up at me. It was absolutely magical. In the weeks and months after the birth, I had many different emotions about nursing you. (I should mention that you stopped eating all food and only wanted "monnie" milk.)

I was often exhausted and overwhelmed and thought I made a mistake by not weaning you during the pregnancy when everyone assumed I would. But once again, we found our way. Slowly, we created a new rhythm that worked for both of us and nursing you became a joy again.

In the past year I have nursed you before your brother, after you brother, while chasing your brother, and alongside your brother.

As Quinn has gotten older you and he have started to be silly and play while you are nursing together. You hold hands and Quinn likes to tug at your hair. Sometimes you forget and start laughing—accidentally biting your mama. Ouch! Recently I have started to feel increased resistance to nursing you. These feeling have been painful and confusing for me, but the more I journal and listen to my heart, I am comforted. I know that weaning, like so many life transitions, is another beginning disguised as an ending.

You are almost three and overflowing with your own ideas and sense of self. In the last several months you started using the potty and in the coming months you will start nursery school.
It has started to feel to me like nursing is holding you back as you teeter between the worlds of toddlerhood and childhood. You are having more frequent tantrums and difficulty sleeping and I feel in my heart that weaning is the best thing for both of us.

Last week I set the intention to wean by your third birthday, which is in two months.

I also wrote affirmations to help me with the process...

~ There are infinite, creative ways to meet Lily's physical and emotional needs.
~ I am grateful for the nursing relationship that we have shared.
~ I honor the messages my body is sending. I am listening and responding...

and as it always does, the Universe responded.

Friday night you asked to sleep at Nana and Grandpa's house. When I came to pick you up early the next morning you were so happy to see me, as I was to see you, but for the first time ever, you didn't ask to nurse the second I walked in the door. I felt a rush of relief and a surge of excitement for both of us as you told me about sleeping in Nana and Grandpa's bed, and making French toast for breakfast.

Later when you asked to nurse at the YMCA, I was able to do so with joy and love, without hesitation, knowing that our nursing relationship was now in the hands of the Universe. I barely even noticed you twiddling your favorite mole, the one under my left arm, in the softest, most sensitive skin—the very act that has almost sent me over the edge so many times before when I was overtired and touched out.

Saturday night Aunt Jill slept over and snuggled you and Quinn to bed so you didn't ask to nurse, and in the morning, rushing downstairs to climb in bed with your Auntie was more exciting than nursing.

By Sunday afternoon, I realized what was happening. My intentions were being answered—much more quickly that I expected but in the way that was just right for both of us.

In the past week both of us have cried tears of sadness and discomfort (many are flowing while I write this to you) and there have been plenty of awkward moments as we find our way. But there is also a deep sense of peace, knowing that while the form of the Divine energy flowing between us will continually change as our relationship evolves, it will forever flow.

I love you so much and I am so grateful that you chose me to be your mother.

~ Mama

Meal Blessings

2007-10-25T09:38:00.005-04:00

“Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to our table. Welcome. Welcome. Let’s all join hands together.”
Usually off-key and rarely synchronized, the “Welcome Song” has signaled the start of meal time in our house since we learned it over two years ago in our Waldorf parent-child class.
Our daughter, not yet a year at the time, was mesmerized by the singing and the lighting of the candle before each meal.

I was equally entranced. The quiet calm that came over the group (a group filled with active babies and toddlers) as the song began was amazing.

Hoping to recreate the “candle effect” at home, we began lighting a candle and singing the song, followed by a short blessing, each night at dinner.

Two-and-a-half years later, the song, the blessing and the candle-lighting remain an important part of our meal experience.

Our son, Quinn, now 18 months, has experienced it since birth and now reaches out to hold hands as soon as we click the strap on his booster seat – sometimes catching one of us forgetting and starting to eat before we sing.

Like every other family on the planet, we have gone through stressful periods where children’s needs, work schedules, and clutter messes got in the way of even sitting together at the table, never mind singing and lighting candles.

But the Welcome Song always finds its way back to us.

Whether it’s me spotting a new beeswax candle in a store, or Quinn toddling around with the candle snuffer singing “Welca-Welca,” something always reminds us how important our family meals and the rituals around them are.

Candles to go
Meal blessings have become so special that we now have a candle, complete with a fancy candelabra, at my parents’ house and at my mother-in-law’s house, it is my niece and nephew who make sure that every meal begins with our song and blessing.

There have been times when the food my mother-in-law prepares smells so good and we are all so hungry that we dive right in.

But every time that has happened, somewhere along the way, at some point in the meal, one of the children has noticed and insisted that we all stop and sing (sometimes simply blessing our dessert).

Getting Started
If you’d like to begin some new mealtime rituals in your house, I’d suggest starting small.
First and foremost, and I thank my dad for consistently holding to this rule, turn off all the background distractions like the television, talk radio, cell phones etc.

If a meal blessing feels too foreign and singing (even off-key like us) is too awkward, you might try what my friends do each night at dinner and take turns answering “What was the best part of your day?”.

Or maybe offer a toast (ourthree-year-old loves drinking her water out of a wine glass and toasting with the rest of us) to set the mood and focus on good-feeling thoughts.

You might even want to start just once a week with a more formal meal blessing or toast and see what evolves.

Or take advantage of upcoming holiday meals – a wonderful time to resurrect a family meal blessing or begin a new tradition!

Here are a few short, child-friendly meal blessings to get you started:

Blessings on our meal, on everyone here and everyone dear.

Thank you for the world so sweet. Thank you for the food we eat. Thank you for the birds that sing. Thank you God for everything.

Earth who gives to us this food; Sun who makes it ripe and good; Dearest Earth, Dearest Sun, Joy and Love for all you have done.

Come Lord Jesus, be our guest and may our daily food be blessed.

Thank you, God, for happy hearts, for rain and sunny weather. Thank you for the food we eat and that we are together.

Finding my Way

2007-09-25T12:34:00.005-04:00

When I think back to where I was three-and-a-half years ago, working in university public relations, editing Web sites, photographing community events, supervising interns and teaching yoga in the evenings, it feels like another lifetime.

As I counted down the days to our first child’s birth and the beginning of my maternity leave (from which I knew I would not return), I could not even begin to imagine my life as it is now.
And yet as my growing belly pushed me further away from my keyboard and physical exhaustion made a walk across campus feel like an Olympic event, I spent (far too many) hours daydreaming about what was to come as I began my new life as a stay-at-home mother.

I visualized myself enjoying all of my favorite “at-home” hobbies – gardening, cooking, reading, writing, photography, sewing, knitting, spinning – and even looked forward to exploring some new hobbies like traveling (after all I was no longer going to be tied down to a work schedule).

I imagined myself constantly surrounded by helpful people who rocked my baby while I cooked and sewed.

And for a while it was like that (not so much the cooking and sewing, but lots of people around to help). And then one by one people went back to work; back to their lives and their commitments.

The last one to “abandon” me was my mom, a high school teacher who spent most of her summer vacation helping me and enjoying her new grand-daughter.

By mid-September, I was in a pretty good funk.

The only thing growing in my garden was weeds. My spinning wheel was covered in dust (and eventually banished to the basement where it still remains).

Knitting, reading, traveling…ha! I couldn’t even figure out how to shower regularly or keep up with the endless mountains of laundry, never mind cooking a decent meal or even finding the top of the table so we could have a “family dinner.”

As the long winter days came, the funk mushroomed into panic and waves of depression.

Why was my reality so different than what I thought it would be?

I pictured myself being a happy, go-with-the-flow, mom, baking cookies and singing songs with my child happily strapped to my back and instead found myself just trying to survive the days (and nights), “killing time” and waiting for my husband to come home.

It wasn’t all bad. There were definitely plenty of sweet, tender moments, but overall I felt a sense that something was lacking and I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

I started talking to other mothers and my own mother and grandmother.

I asked them about their experiences being home with young children and if they felt the feelings that I was feeling.

What I found was that most mothers of grown children have generally forgotten the challenges of the early years.

But usually after talking for a while, I would see little waves of recognition as they remembered what it was like to never be alone – not even in the bathroom!

One thing I consistently heard from my mom and other women her age is that there was a
much larger community of mothers around them when they were home with their children.

In my parents’ neighborhood alone, my mother had several best friends who were also home with their children. She talked about visiting with each other while they cooked and cleaned and trading childcare so that they all got a little “time off.”

The men in my parents’ group of friends also were consistently home from work by 5 p.m. – something that is not common among the young families that I know.

My grandmother’s generation had different challenges. The jobs that our appliances do for us (washing and drying clothes, diapers and dishes for example) were done by hand.

But in those days children were turned out to play like horses in a field, returning home only when the streetlights came on.

And many of the men of their generation worked over-time or multiple jobs to provide for their families, and were not expected to pitch in at home even if they were there. (Fortunately not the reality for most fathers I know.)

Finding my way
So what does all this mean for me, a mom in the early 21st century, trying to make my way?
What I have come to learn in the last several years, as our family grew to include our now 17-month-old son, is that I am incredibly blessed to live in a time where there are infinite options in creating the family experience we want to have.

For me that means, utilizing modern conveniences like take-out pizza, disposable diapers, and Bob the Builder videos, when I need to, and celebrating choices that I value like cloth diapers, home-cooked meals, and homemade gifts when it feels good to do so.

It’s about creating the community that I want to experience instead of complaining about its lack.

Utilizing babysitters, mother’s helpers, sharing meals with friends, being honest with myself about my expectations, my needs and my limitations and, most importantly, letting go of the idea that I can and should be able to do it all.

As I finish writing this, my three year old is enjoying a morning at preschool and my 17- month-old is at a wonderful home daycare where he is being loved and nurtured.

And – at least in this moment – I have found the joy and the balance and the peace I have been searching for since my parenting journey began.

three fairies...

2007-08-15T19:59:00.003-04:00

Make a wish...

2007-07-29T16:59:00.002-04:00

The Sunflower field at Buttonwood Farm in Griswold, Conn., where we took a hayride to benefit "Make a Wish."

2007-07-15T20:57:00.001-04:00

I saw this beautiful painting today at Kid's City in Middletown, Conn. It's part of the mural in the Toddler's Undersea Watercaves.

Once I spotted it, I couldn't take my eyes off it. How wonderful that someone created this breastfeeding mermaid and that it was included in the mural that surrounds the youngest children's playspace.

About me

2007-07-07T07:12:00.002-04:00

I thought I'd start by writing a bit about who I am. Last night while I was cleaning I picked up a journal given to me by my wonderful friend Julianna, which has on it a beautiful poem that is identified only as an "American Indian Prayer."

Feels like a pretty accurate description.

I AM

I am a woman of
light,
a woman
of the day,

I am a
mother
woman,

I am a woman who looks
into the inside of things,

I am a whirling
woman of colors.

Lucky sevens?

2007-07-07T07:01:00.002-04:00

Doh.

Computer is running a little slow this morning so I'm not quite going to make my 7 a.m. post on 7-7-07 (which seemed like an auspicious time to begin this new venture). Oh well. I started posting at that time at least!
;-)